The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That
I’ve recently been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook complaining about excessive service charges at a local restaurant. And it really grinds my gears. Us customers have had it with restaurants taking advantage of us and our meager expectations of them.
Have you been exploited by restaurants too? Read on.
Without further ado, here’s my simple guide to getting the most out of a restaurant in any given situation. I promise it’s easier than you think:
Be Late and Choosy
No one likes a Punctual Pervez. You have better things to do so arrive only once the restaurant has called you up a few times and is about to give your table away. That’s fine, you’ll probably want a different one once you’re there anyway.
Be Smoking in Non-Smoking
Non-smoking sections don’t actually exist in Pakistan. So call the management out on their lies by requesting an ashtray at one of these ‘smoke-free’ zones. It’s not like the people around you care about their lungs or something weird like that.
Be Customizing Everything
That Sprite on the menu was always meant to be served with three-and-a-half wedges of lime, some salt, and a pint of simple syrup. Ask for ingredients you know the restaurant doesn’t have: habanero peppers, fresh truffle, beluga. Be unique: it’s fun.
It’s empowering when you get to decide the volume of your conversations in public places. Your kids are already cackling like witches, and it’s not like anyone else is here for a good time; let loose. Double double toil and trouble.
Pay close attention here: the nicer you are to the staff, the worse your meal will taste. If you aren’t rude, how will they know you expect greatness? How will they know who you are? Bring out your best threats, disses, and grunts for this one, and keep the staff on their toes.
Be Sending Things Back
Sending nothing back to the kitchen means you had a brilliant meal. Don’t do this if you want freebies, apologies, and discounts. Start hating. If you’re with a group of diners, pull out straws to see who’s going to be sacrificing their entree for a free slice of cake to polish off that tomahawk.
Be Tipping Light or Be Tipping None
This is the bit where the restaurant robs you of every last rupee in your wallet. Know that if points 1 – 6 didn’t go your way, you have the RIGHT to deprive minimum wage servers of internationally practiced tipping norms. Give arbitrary amounts, or better yet, refuse to tip; that’ll show them. 10% my ass.
If you follow my advice, you’ll most likely end up with an unforgettable meal. You’ll tell your friends, and they’ll envy you. You’ll post it online, and strangers will think you’ve got clout. People will love you.
You may even come again.
Disclaimer: This article is satire, and is almost entirely a work of complete fiction. This article and other satirical articles on Charcoal + Gravel’s website are for entertainment purposes only.