20 Jul, Saturday
32° C

The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That

I’ve recently been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook complaining about excessive service charges at a local restaurant. And it really grinds my gears. Us customers have had it with restaurants taking advantage of us and our meager expectations of them.


Have you been exploited by restaurants too? Read on.


Without further ado, here’s my simple guide to getting the most out of a restaurant in any given situation. I promise it’s easier than you think:





Be Late and Choosy

No one likes a Punctual Pervez. You have better things to do so arrive only once the restaurant has called you up a few times and is about to give your table away. That’s fine, you’ll probably want a different one once you’re there anyway.







Be Smoking in Non-Smoking

Non-smoking sections don’t actually exist in Pakistan. So call the management out on their lies by requesting an ashtray at one of these ‘smoke-free’ zones. It’s not like the people around you care about their lungs or something weird like that.




pick - The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That



Be Customizing Everything

That Sprite on the menu was always meant to be served with three-and-a-half wedges of lime, some salt, and a pint of simple syrup. Ask for ingredients you know the restaurant doesn’t have: habanero peppers, fresh truffle, beluga. Be unique: it’s fun.



loud - The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That



Be Loud

It’s empowering when you get to decide the volume of your conversations in public places. Your kids are already cackling like witches, and it’s not like anyone else is here for a good time; let loose. Double double toil and trouble.



rude - The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That



Be Rude

Pay close attention here: the nicer you are to the staff, the worse your meal will taste. If you aren’t rude, how will they know you expect greatness? How will they know who you are? Bring out your best threats, disses, and grunts for this one, and keep the staff on their toes.







Be Sending Things Back

Sending nothing back to the kitchen means you had a brilliant meal. Don’t do this if you want freebies, apologies, and discounts. Start hating. If you’re with a group of diners, pull out straws to see who’s going to be sacrificing their entree for a free slice of cake to polish off that tomahawk.



tip - The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That



Be Tipping Light or Be Tipping None

This is the bit where the restaurant robs you of every last rupee in your wallet. Know that if points 1 – 6 didn’t go your way, you have the RIGHT to deprive minimum wage servers of internationally practiced tipping norms. Give arbitrary amounts, or better yet, refuse to tip; that’ll show them. 10% my ass.





sass - The Customer is Always Right, But You Already Knew That



If you follow my advice, you’ll most likely end up with an unforgettable meal. You’ll tell your friends, and they’ll envy you. You’ll post it online, and strangers will think you’ve got clout. People will love you.


You may even come again.


Disclaimer: This article is satire, and is almost entirely a work of complete fiction. This article and other satirical articles on Charcoal + Gravel’s website are for entertainment purposes only.



Shameel finds himself being careless when trying to be carefree and eating nuggets when he wants to be fat-free. He’s an ‘overall picture’ kinda guy even though he seems to want to micromanage people taking out the trash. You’ll probably find him starry-eyed in the conference room, still explaining a ‘revolutionary’ idea that was shot down last week.

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