01 Dec, Wednesday
39° C

Nightshades: Why Gisele Hates Potatoes




I’m an inquisitive little girl, always have been, and I eat up celebrity news like it’s Yaya’s famous baklava. Gossip about models is my favorite kinda tea, and I wanna know what they eat (or don’t). This is solely because I need new material to keep up the self-deprecation, it fuels my fire. And that’s how I discovered that supermodel Gisele Bundchen is an enemy of the people. Apparently, the lady’s too good for nightshades. “What are nightshades?” you may ask, with a goofy ass look on your face (stop it you), let me fill you in.

Trigger Warning: Potatoes are apparently bad for you, at least according to a has-been model and her pretty boy husband.



Honestly, I’m fuming. I don’t ask for much, but I need a world where potatoes are treated with the respect they deserve, not pushed into a corner. I don’t care if Gisele Bundchen thinks she’s too good for potatoes, the last time Gisele was relevant Moto Razr’s were still cool. Potatoes however, are always relevant. Always delicious.


Previously, the only nightshade I’d even heard of was belladonna, that Macbeth shit. Admittedly, I thought it was a made-up word. I mean come on it’s Shakespeare, the guy was kinda nuts. So, naturally when I heard a buzz about the dangers of nightshades I wasn’t surprised to come across tomatoes, eggplants and bell peppers on the naughty list. Finally, I had proof that my mother had been trying to poison me all these years. Younger me was on to something, picking out the capsicum from her qeema. However, potatoes do not deserve such cruel injustice.


Funnily enough, the whole issues with nightshades is that they are inflammatory for those with irritable bowel syndrome. Now while I may feel bad for them I don’t condone this kind of negative energy towards potatoes. To Ms Bundchen, I would say, shame on you. The lord has given you a platform for great social impact and you abuse it to spread mass hysteria among the people. Go help orphaned elephants in Bali, leave potatoes alone. Nutritionists everywhere are calling bullshit on these new-age restrictive eating guidelines, and the science behind the anti-nightshade movement is entirely shoddy. Rest assured, I took GCSE Biology (I know my shit).


Stay woke, and eat your damn vegetables!




Purnea depends on a steady supply of positive affirmations and berry flavored tea in order to continue functioning as an upstanding member of society. An amateur dance-battle enthusiast, she's a woman of many talents, overshadowed only by her mysterious aura. When she's not busy over-analyzing every social interaction she's had over the past 22 years she enjoys curating memes and scrapping sub-par content.

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